So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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