I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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