I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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