id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I need water and some morals
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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