I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
