Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
