True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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