birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
