i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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