Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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