Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
