Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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