I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
