I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
