why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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