Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
