Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
