Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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