i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
