So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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