afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
