Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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