My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Randomize
