I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
