Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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