Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
