Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
