Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
