She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
