He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
