I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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