Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
you had me at cake vodka
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
