I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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