i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
