If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
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