I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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