when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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