Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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