Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
