Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
