Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
