New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
