i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
