I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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