Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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