3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
