Have you finally orgasmed yet?
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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