Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
