When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
