Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
