You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i wish my penis had a tongue
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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